Helter Skelter
by One And Only Trey
Summary: Sean’s gone. The doctors say Jimmy’s going to be okay. Jay couldn’t care less. Degrassi Community School is shaken to its foundations. And Spinner is being eating alive by guilt. Rating for adult situations. Named after a song by The Beatles.
1. When I get to the bottom

_Helter Skelter_

Summary: Sean's gone. The doctors say Jimmy's going to be okay. Jay couldn't care less. Degrassi Community School is shaken to its foundations. And Spinner is being eating alive by guilt.

Author's Notes: Seeing as I'm American, though I've read spoilers about what happens after Back in Black, this is my own continuation. So, anything that occurred in any episode after Back in Black might be borrowed in this fic, but not necessarily. Also: as far as I've seen, the most we've seen of Spinner's house is his room... I could be wrong... Let me know if I'm way off base here... Anyway, in my universe, Spinner's drum kit is in the basement.

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters of Degrassi, or the concept or anything like that. I don't know any of the actors, writers, directors or anything. I wish I owned Spinner, or knew Shane Kippel, but I don't. So get over it. :D

**_Chapter One:_** **When I get to the Bottom**

He sat down at the drum kit, twirled one of the sticks, and began to play. The cymbals all swung like they were alive; each crazy change in direction punctuated by a sharp crash as the stick glanced off the metal.

This was one of those songs that had drums so intense that any self-respecting drummer could find no song better therapeutic. Many songs from the sixties had a tendency to be so violent. No one really cared about decibel levels and early deafness in the sixties. It was all about whom could be louder, and whose loudness could last longer.

"GAVIN! Would you please stop?!"

One of the sticks fell out of his right hand, clanged against the ride cymbal, and clattered to the floor. It took him a few moments to realize that there were tears running down his face. He dropped the other drumstick, and rubbed hastily at his cheeks. He ran a hand through his hair, and then, without thinking, kicked his left foot aggressively, knocking over his hi-hat with a crash.

"Gavin!"

Spinner stood from his stool, and stormed upstairs, one hand still against his cheek.

"Gavin, what's wrong?"

Spinner ignored his mother, and entered his room. He grabbed his jacket, and spun.

Kendra stood in his doorway, frowning.

"What?" He said, not really expecting an answer, and more just wanting her to move.

"What's going on?" She asked.

"Nothing. I'm going to the hospital."

"Spinner..."

"Move." His voice was cold.

There was a short pause as she simply stood there and looked at him. He figured she was hurt. He really didn't care. After another moment, she finally stepped to the side, and he barreled past her and out the front door.

---

Spinner gulped when he saw Hazel standing with Jimmy's parents outside the room. He seriously considered turning around, going back home, returning to his drum kit and pounding away his fears and his guilt.

Unfortunately, Hazel turned and saw him. She came to him, and threw her arms around him. Spinner gulped again. She had no idea. If she knew the truth, she wouldn't be hugging him; she'd have hit him. He deserved that. Not hugs. He briefly considered telling her, but Mrs. Brooks came, and pulled him into another hug. He felt one more tear run down his cheek without his permission.

"How is he?" He said. His throat was so tight; it came out more like a whisper.

Hazel grabbed his wrist, and pulled him down the hall towards the room.

"The doctors say he'll be okay." Mrs. Brooks answered.

"Can I go in?"

Mr. Brooks nodded, and Spinner entered the sterile hospital room. Jimmy was flat on his back, tubes and wires snaking around and over his prone form. Spinner choked back a sob. He collapsed into one of the chairs by the bed, and buried his head in his hands, tangling his hair in his fingers.

"I'm sorry." He whispered to his deaf best friend. "I'm so sorry."


	2. Tell me, tell me, tell me the answer

Helter Skelter 

Summary and Disclaimer: Those outlined in the first chapter stand for this chapter.

Author's Notes: Well, one review in one day... Oh well. Maybe another chapter will bring in more readers. Enjoy. Spinner's psyche is getting more and more screwed...

**_Chapter Two_: Tell me, tell me, tell me the answer...**

_Spinner stood across the hall from Jimmy's locker. Jimmy was exchanging books between classes when Rick approached him, holding his book bag tight to his chest. Rick pulled out a handgun, and Spinner tried to move, tried to scream, tried to save Jimmy. But he couldn't move. He was stuck against the wall, watching. But Rick didn't pull the trigger. Instead, he handed the gun to Jimmy. Jimmy took it, turned, and aimed at Spinner. Time slowed as Jimmy pulled the trigger. Spinner saw the bullet tear towards him, and felt it bury itself in his chest. He fell sideways. He wasn't dead yet. Through a haze of pain, he looked up to see Jay standing over him, holding the gun and grinning. _

_"No." Spinner whimpered. "No, it was you. You did it too." Jay's grip tightened on the trigger. "It was you..." _

"It was you!" Spinner awoke. He was drenched in cold sweat and hot tears, and he was tangled in his bed sheets.

His bedroom door opened, and his mother knelt down beside the bed. She placed a hand on his forehead.

"Gavin?" Worry made her voice crack. "Gavin, what's wrong?"

He sat up and away from her hand, and took several deep breaths. Then, without second thought, he turned and wrapped his arms around his mother.

"It's okay." She whispered, her maternal instincts over riding her curiosity. She stroked the back of his head the way she did when he was little and had nightmares, and the nights he couldn't fall asleep because he had forgotten to take his Ritalin. He cried into the shoulder of his mother's nightshirt like a child. Kendra, also awoken by his scream, stood in the doorway, her face creased with unease. She had never seen Spinner this way. He rarely lost control of his emotions around their mother. He liked to play strong when she was around. Kendra was almost afraid to think of what could have happened that would cause Spinner to lose control this way.

After at least five minutes, he pulled away from his mother and stumbled past Kendra and into the bathroom.

Kendra winced as she heard him retch.

---

Spinner entered homeroom, tossed down his bag, and sat down without a word to anyone.

Craig and Marco exchanged glances. For as long as they had known Spinner, they had never seen him look this way. His eyes were bloodshot, and his usually carefully combed hair was tangled.

"You okay, Spinn?" Marco asked.

Spinner absently nodded, and then lay his head on the desk in front of him.

Marco looked at Craig again, then shrugged.

"I saw Jimmy yesterday." Craig said, continuing his pre-Spinner's entrance conversation with Marco.

"How is he?"

"He's awake. That's a little bit of an improvement. He claims he feels fine, except for the whole can't feel his legs thing."

Spinner sat up.

"The whole what?"

Craig raised an eyebrow.

"Can't feel his legs... You've seen him, haven't you?"

Spinner frowned. "Once. But he was still out."

"Oh. Yeah, they've determined paralysis. But the doctors think they might be able to fix it."

"That's good." Marco interjected.

Spinner stood hastily. "Tell Mr. S that I went home."

"Are you sick?" Craig asked. That would make sense.

"Something like that." And with that, he was gone. Marco looked under the desk.

"He forgot his bag."

"Grab it. We can bring it to him at lunch."

---

Spinner sat in his room. No one but Craig and Marco knew he was there. His mother was at work. Kendra was still at school, none the wiser.

He had been warned at least three times that taking four pills in the morning wouldn't save him the trouble of taking one every four hours. He was told that death by overdosing on methylphenidate was rare, but it was possible.

His conscience weighed heavy on him. Rick was dead. Jimmy was paralyzed; he probably wouldn't walk again. Emma and Sean were both scarred, probably for the rest of their lives. It was all his fault, really. He could have stopped it.

He took the lid off the pill bottle in his hand. He poured the entire contents into his hand. The prescription had just been refilled about two days ago. That meant there were at least twenty of the little pills in his hand.

He grabbed the glass of water he kept on his nightstand, poured the pills into his mouth, and took a swig of the water to wash the pills down with.

---

Marco knocked on the Mason's front door, Spinner's backpack slung over his right shoulder. Craig stood behind him, arms crossed.

There was no answer.

Marco looked over at Craig.

"His car's right there, he should be here."

"Maybe he's asleep."

On a whim, Marco tried the doorknob to find the door unlocked. The pair of them went into the front room. Craig remained by the door, while Marco headed towards Spinner's room.

Spinner's bedroom door was open. Marco peered in.

Spinner was sprawled on the floor. The empty prescription drug bottle and its lid were lying apart on the bed. Spinner's skin was ashen, but his face was flushed. His fingers were trembling slightly.

"Craig!" Marco screamed. "Call 9-1-1!"


	3. Do you, don't you want me to love you?

Helter Skelter 

Summary and Disclaimer from Chapter one still stand.

Author's Notes: Thanks to everyone who's reading. Glad you guys like the fic so much, because I'm obsessed with it. :D I'm VERY happy with how it's turning out. Everything takes a decidedly MORE depressing turn this chapter.

**_Chapter Three: _Do you, don't you want me to love you?**

Marco sat in the molded plastic chair. Just past the thin curtain surrounding the emergency room cot, he could hear hectic hospital bustle. Craig was in the reception area, waiting for Spinner's mom.

The flush had receded from Spinner's cheeks, his temperature was returning to a safer level. The tremors in his hands and feet had stopped. But his heart was still beating unusually fast, and he was still unconscious. The heart monitor's beeping had Marco's nerves on edge. In every film and television show he had ever seen, everyone got scared when the monitor's beeping began to slow. He had never seen a show in which the abnormally fast beating was the cause of worry.

Marco stood in surprise when the curtain flew aside in a flurry and Mrs. Mason entered. She stopped, saw Spinner lying there, and tears instantly began to flow. She and Marco exchanged places as she leant down over him, pressing her face against his.

Marco went to Craig.

"Did you tell her what happened?" he whispered.

"I told her what we knew. But we really don't know what happened, do we?"

Marco ran a hand through his hair.

"I'm scared."

"So am I."

---

News spread surprisingly fast through Degrassi Community School. Spinner was in the hospital. Marco and Craig were both with him, which is why they weren't in school, despite having been there for all their morning classes. No one was quite sure what had happened, how it had happened, when it had happened. All that everyone knew for sure was that it _had_ happened.

By the time Manny made it to the hospital, Spinner was out of the emergency room cubicle, and in a proper room. Mrs. Mason was off for Kendra, but Craig and Marco were still with him. They were both hoping and waiting for him to wake up.

When Manny entered, Craig awkwardly excused himself. Ignoring Craig's discomfort, Manny sat in the chair beside the bed, put her hands over one of his, and looked up at Marco.

"What really happened?" she asked.

"He came to homeroom this morning, but he left right after he got there... He left his bag, so Craig and me brought it to his house at the lunch hour. His car was there, but he didn't answer the door. The door was unlocked, so we went in..." Marco's voice cracked. "He was just lying there. And he did it to himself."

"What was it?"

"His Ritalin. He just... took the whole bottle. All of it." He paused again, and then sighed. "He knew. That's what gets me. He knew that it might... might kill him. Spinner... Spinner tried to kill himself."

Tears were in both of their eyes when Marco also excused himself, leaving Manny alone with Spinner.

"What's wrong, Spinner?" She asked him. "What's happened?"

But of course there was no answer.

---

Manny was again alone with the unconscious Spinner. It was almost eight at night, and Mrs. Mason had just stepped down to the cafeteria for a cup of coffee.

Manny jumped when the quietest, most feeble whimper imaginable escaped Spinner's lips. His head turned on the pillow, and his forehead and temples wrinkled as he squinted in discomfort.

"Spinner." She sighed, relieved.

His eyes opened a sliver, and his mouth formed her name, but no sound escaped. He coughed a few times, then attempted to speak again.

"Manny." He rasped.

"Spinner." She repeated. She was crying again. "Spinner, we were all so worried. What happened? What were you thinking?"

He started to cry too. He had failed, miserably, and now more people's lives were screwed up. He'd fucked up again.

He lay back, resting his head on the pillow. His eyes were fully open, but he could barely see. His pupils were dilated so much that Manny almost could not detect the brown of his iris.

"Talk to me, Spinner. What happened?"

He was tired of hiding. He was tired of trying to make it go away. He decided it was time to accept what he'd done. Take responsibility for the lives he'd ruined.

"Rick. The gun was my fault. Jimmy was my fault."

Manny frowned.

"What are you talking about?"

"The paint. And the feathers. That was me, and Jay and Alex. And then... Jay and me... we as good as told Rick that Jimmy did it. That Jimmy set it up, it was Jimmy's idea. And Rick shot Jimmy. It's my fault."

"You're not serious. You're delirious or something." Manny whispered.

"Do I sound delirious, Manny? Really? It's true, Manny. All of that is true. I crippled Jimmy. I _killed_ Rick."

There was a pause, before Manny stood up so fast that the chair she had been sitting in tipped over backwards.

"I cannot believe you. You're completely serious. Christ, Spinner, do you have any idea... I knew you had a tendency to be a bit of a bully sometimes, but to blame it on someone else? You could have killed him! And he was your _friend_!"

Spinner heard the door open, then slam. Manny was gone. He knew they were probably over. He was alone again. He figured she would tell the rest of the school. His life was as good as over. But he had failed in ending it.


	4. Coming down fast

Helter Skelter 

Summary and Disclaimer from first three chapters same for this chapter.

Author's Notes: Two chapters in one day. Wow, this fic is growing like wildfire. Something about angst just pulls me in and burns away at my brain. I love it. It's such a catharsis thing for me. Well, enjoy. Review if you read please.

**_Chapter Four: _Coming Down Fast**

Craig and Marco stared at Manny. They had been a little bit surprised when she had stormed out of Spinner's room, all tears gone from her eyes, leaving only a salty trace. Mrs. Mason had returned a short second later, and after informing her that Spinner was awake, Manny grabbed Marco's wrist, and dragged him towards the elevator and the cafeteria, trusting Craig to follow along behind, which he did.

They had sat in as secluded a corner of the cafeteria they could find, and Manny had quickly spilled out everything Spinner had just said to her.

"Mio dio." Marco whispered.

"He seriously said all of that? He was serious?" Craig asked. Manny simply nodded in reply.

"Sure explains everything, doesn't it?" Manny said scathingly. Craig looked up from his hands in surprise.

"Manny, are you serious?"

Her eyes narrowed.

"I sure as hell am. Jimmy's in this same building, _paralyzed_. Rick is _dead_. And Spinner just lay there and told me it was practically his fault. He just said it, he was completely emotionless, like he didn't even care."

"Manny! He obviously cares, he tried to kill—-"

"Shhh." Marco shushed hastily. Craig sighed, and lowered his voice.

"He tried to kill himself because of this. I think he's pretty unsettled about it."

"You're taking his side? Jimmy's your friend too. Spinner told Rick that Jimmy did the paint thing. What kind of friend pushes their problems away and onto their friends?"

"Maybe one that's being yanked around by Jay Hogart?"

"Whatever, Craig." Manny stood to leave.

"Manny!" Craig called after her.

"What?"

"Don't tell anyone. It's his problem, he doesn't need you telling Liberty or Toby or JT or Raditch or anyone. Got it?"

"Whatever."

Craig growled as he dropped his head to the table.

Marco had started crying again.

---

It was a week later that Spinner stood uncomfortably inside the doorway of a small, fairly sparse room, one eye on the clock, waiting for it to strike three, so he could start waiting for it to strike four.

Manny had surprisingly done as Craig had told her, and kept her tongue. Mrs. Mason didn't want to know why Spinner had done what he had done; she just wanted to be sure that he'd never do it again.

It had been bad enough that he had been removed of the 'privilege' of giving himself his medication at school the day he had given his last dose to Jimmy to wake him up. Now it was kept under lock and key. His dosage was getting smaller every two days; they were taking him off of the stimulant. It had been a long time, years, since he had been off medication for his ADHD for longer than just one missed dose. He wasn't looking forward to when the effects of the disorder hit him full force again.

He wasn't allowed any sort of pill anymore, which was a bit of a downer, considering he was having raging headaches almost every day.

It surprised him that there were still people that attended Degrassi Community School that he didn't know _of_, even if he didn't know them.

The girl at hand was the same age as he, but she was small. Probably just five feet tall. Spinner noticed her very blue eyes the few times she looked up from the floor. All the rest of the time he was looking at her short black hair.

When Spinner had been told that he was going to being seeing a counselor, he wasn't really surprised. He saw Dr. Harris every day after school. After five appointments, Dr. Harris had told him of her other regular patient, a girl that attended the same school as he. Dr. Harris had obtained permission from both of their parents to give them a joint session. He _had_ been surprised when Dr. Harris had told him that the girl, Blair Dalton, had also started to see her because of problems with a prescription drug.

Finally tiring of waiting for Dr. Harris to enter, Spinner went across the room, and sat down on the floor in front of Blair. She looked at him.

"Yes?" she said, coldly.

"I'm Spinner."

"I'm Blair, but you probably know that." Spinner detected her slight accent, and vaguely remembered Dr. Harris telling him that she had only moved to Canada about a year ago, after her mother had died.

There was an awkward pause.

"What was it?" She asked.

"Hmm?" He looked back up at her.

"The... drug. Harris told me you 'abused'," Spinner smiled at her air quotes, "a drug, but she didn't tell me what it was."

"Oh. Right. Ritalin."

"I didn't know Ritalin could screw you up that badly."

"I did. I've recently been told from every possible source that the active drug in Ritalin is just like crystal meth." He shook his head. "So, what about you?"

"Ah, you actually want my story in return? Well, alright. I was on Zoloft for anxiety disorder. Then I starting thinking suicidal thoughts. I made the mistake of not telling anyone. My mom walked in on me with a razor blade and a sink of hot water. Got me before I did anything stupid."

Spinner sat back, nodding thoughtfully.

"So... You ODed on Ritalin. Why?" She was serious. He wondered how he could be sitting here just talking with this girl he had never met before. Marco had come to his house the other night, had told him that Manny had told he and Craig everything, and started crying. Spinner had felt horrible telling Marco bluntly to leave his house, but he couldn't handle Marco crying over him. He didn't want anyone feeling sorry for him, he didn't think he deserved it. He didn't want anyone to know, he just wanted to sink into the earth and disappear from past and present. But here he was, about to tell this girl he didn't know about everything.

"You know about Rick Murray? The whole paint thing on that show, and then he..."

"Brought the gun, yeah." She looked at him carefully. "You're friends with the guy who got shot, aren't you? I recognize that hair."

"Yeah. Well... I'm one of the people who did the paint thing."

He waited for her to exclaim some expletive, or say something hurtful. But she just sat there nodding.

"Yeah, I could see contemplating for something like that. At least you had a reason. I just had a bad drug."

Spinner opened his mouth to speak, but just then, Dr. Harris entered, and Blair instantly reverted to her introvert self.


	5. I stop and I turn and I go for a ride

Helter Skelter 

Disclaimer and Summary from the beginning are, guess what? Still in effect!

Authors Notes: Yep. I've decided that this is the last chapter of Helter Skelter. However, never fear. I'm already planning a follow-up fic. Those of you wary of Blair will probably quite enjoy the opening of that fic, tentatively titled Jealous Guy (after the John Lennon song). So, read, enjoy, and review!

**_Chapter Five: _I stop and I turn and I go for a ride...**

Spinner jumped as the doorbell rang. He glanced at the clock, and frowned. It was most likely lunch hour at the school. He really hoped it wasn't Marco at the door. Marco came over every few days now, and tried to talk to Spinner, and every time, Spinner told Marco to leave, that he wasn't ready to talk yet. He always promised Marco that when he was ready, he would go to him. But he hadn't reached that point yet.

He was home sick that particular day. He was actually sick, however. His mother had been wary of leaving him alone all day, even going so far as to call Dr. Harris to see if it was all right. Dr. Harris had assured Mrs. Mason that Spinner was making fine progress, and could probably be trusted alone for the day. To be on the safe side, Mrs. Mason had taken Spinner's car keys away from him, but that didn't really bother him, as he really was sick this time. He hadn't planned on leaving the house anyway.

Deciding that if it were Marco, he could easily send him away today like he did every day, he went to the door.

It wasn't Marco. Blair stood there, hands thrust in pockets to guard against the cold.

"Come in." he said, not bothering with any salutations.

"Thanks." She said. She entered the foyer, and removed her jacket. He closed the door behind him.

"So you really are sick?"

"Yeah." He said. "Just a little cold, though. Nothing too bad."

"Right."

There was a pause before he offered her a seat on the couch. She grinned at his formality, and then obeyed. He sat beside her.

"Spinner..." She said.

"Hmm?"

"I was thinking today... You know Jimmy's out of the hospital?"

He nodded, not surprised at her speaking of Jimmy as if they were friends. They weren't, but he and she had had so many conversations about the events that she felt comfortable using the familiar names of those involved.

"He... He doesn't blame anyone. Not really."

Spinner shook his head. Regardless of what Jimmy thought, he was still blaming himself for the events.

"You shouldn't blame yourself." She said, as if reading his mind.

"I..."

"Wait..." she said, the single word conveying the unspoken 'let me finish'. "Spinner, I think you should tell Principal Raditch. I mean, you've told... what's her name... Manny? And she told some of your friends... but that isn't going to make you feel any better about it. You should tell the principal, take the consequences. Turn in Alex and Jay too. I mean, you'll probably get suspended for a while... but isn't that better than being gloomy and depressed and suicidal for the rest of your life?"

He simply looked at her. She made a lot of sense. He had never really considered confessing, his mind had suppressed the idea. But having it all spelled out for him made him realize that it probably _was_ the best plan.

"You're right."

She nodded, and stood.

"Let's go. Right now."

"Right now?"

"Yes. Come on."

Spinner remained seated, thinking, as Blair pulled out her keys.

"I'm driving."

He sighed.

"Fine."

---

They pulled up to the school, and she pulled the emergency brake.

"Want me to come with you?"

He looked at the clock in her dashboard.

"No. You should go to class. I'll call my mom for a ride home."

"If you're sure." She got out of the pick-up, grabbed her backpack out of the bed of the pick up, and headed towards the school. "Good luck." She said over her shoulder.

Spinner went to the front office, and by some stroke of luck, Mr. Raditch was leaving the office just as Spinner entered.

"Mr. Mason." He said. "I thought you were sick..."

"I was... I mean, I am... but..." He was stuttering. "I have to tell you something, Mr. Raditch."

Mr. Raditch frowned, but nodded, and turned back around, beckoning Spinner into his personal office.

Spinner took the seat opposite Mr. Raditch, and looked at him.

"Well...?"

Spinner took a deep breath, exhaled, and then spoke.

"I planned the paint and feathers thing during the Whack your Brain competition. It was me."

---

Authors Notes 2: Well, there you go. Helter Skelter is over, and the follow up is well on its way. I hope you guys enjoyed this fic.

For anyone wondering, the end of this fic was pretty much borrowed from the end of the novel Crime and Punishment. I recently finished reading this novel in English class, and just LOVED how it ended. Subconsciously, this novel was always going to end with the confession and just leave it at that. But the follow up will pretty much continue just where this left off. So, yeah. Keep your eyes open for the follow up, and if you liked this fic, please review.

-Trey

ps: For those huge fans, here is a sneak peek at the follow up to this fic.

---

_Dr. Harris's face was unusually drawn and haunted. She had an envelope in her hand. _

_"Dr. Harris? Where's Blair?" Spinner asked, beginning to get uncomfortable. _

_The doctor didn't speak, but simply handed him the envelope. It had his name scrawled across the front, and was still sealed._

_He looked up at Dr. Harris, who nodded, then tore open the envelope. There was a single sheet of paper inside. He started to read it, and fell to the floor._

_It began,_

_"Spinner, I'm proud of you. You did the right thing. I'm sure you're doing a lot better now. I hope your friends manage to forgive you. I know I forgive you. I also hope that one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I wouldn't if I were you, but I can always hope... Don't miss me, don't mourn for me. Just get your life back, and live it the way you deserve..."_

---

So, yeah! Come read it!

-Trey


End file.
